By now you’ve probably heard all about John Travolta getting sued for two million dollars by a masseuse claiming “sexual battery,” saying Travolta groped “his scrotum and the shaft of his penis.” To paraphrase the late great Robert Schimmel, I’d suck John Travolta’s dick in front of my mother for two million dollars. I admit the story is ridiculously tabloidy and sounds pretty far-fetched, and a lot of it sounds like a bad letter to Penthouse, but I couldn’t ignore some of the gems in there.

Such as…

-”There was an overweight black man preparing hamburgers, who meekly said ‘hey.’”

“Come to the East Village’s hottest new night club, Hamburgers. There’s overweight black men preparing hamburgers, naked jockeys on trapeze, and blind sherpas with nerf bow guns….” /Stephon.

-When the masseur says he reminded Travolta that sexual acts in exchange for money were illegal, the actor’s rebuttal is stated as, “Come on dude, I’ll jerk you off!” The suit also describes Travolta’s genitalia as “roughly 8 inches in length” with pubic hair that was “wirey and unkempt.”

8 inches, whoa! Do they even make them that big? That’s quite generous for a smear campaign. Meanwhile, my own pubic hair has been described as “perfectly coiffed, and as slick and smooth as a freshly-groomed fur seal.”

– “(Travolta) began screaming at Plantiff, telling Plantiff how selfish he was, that (Travolta) got where he is now due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ days; and that Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity.”

-”Plaintiff moved away from Defendant, who then lumbered to his feet and began to move towards Plaintiff with erect penis bouncing around is [sic] stride.”
– (He said) he had done things in his past that would make most people throw up.
– When he started he wasn’t even shiny happy person and that the taste of ‘cum’ would make him gag.
– He was smart enough to learn to enjoy it, and when he began to make millions of dollars, that it all became worth it. [TMZ, HuffPo, WWTDD]

So Hollywood is run by shiny happy person Jews? Jeez, who knew John Travolta sounded so much like Mel Gibson? They also seem to have that whole “blow me first” thing in common. Though even if this is to be believed, Travolta is a lot nicer about it.

Also, and this is neither here nor there, but I think it’d be pretty cool if there was a sprightly masseuse who dressed up as a French mime and gave happy endings, and he called himself “The Wee Masseur.”

– Vince Mancini